Die to my flesh. Die to my ego

Let me get the workout out of the way....
30SEP2014:  wk1-d2

1. warm-up with Agile-8, back bridges, stomach vacuums, side planks
2. Box Pistol squats:  30 total  (HARD!)
3. deadlift:   275 x 5,5,5,5,5
4. single leg press:  70 x 20/20, 20/20, 20/20
5. calf raises:  BW x 20,20,20

Thoughts and ramblings:

When I was a kid I started lifting because I wanted to  be as strong as Superman and move like Spiderman.  Then I got a little older and wanted to be ded-sexy.  Then it was about imposing my will on my opponents.

I grew up thinking violence and the willingness to use it as a tool made you right, made you a man.  Because I had no control over what happened to me at home, I developed the attitude of "Fuck you!  You maybe can kick my ass, but you can't hurt me NEAR as bad as I can!"

When I got to the Air Force Academy, I discovered the boxing team.  TEMPORARY NIRVANA!!!   For 17 minutes at a time, my twisted mind made sense.  My view of the world WORKED in that environment. "FUCK YOU!  I can take everything you got and not even flinch!  You maybe can kick my ass, but you can't hurt me anywhere close to as bad as I've hurt myself!!!"  No change in my expression.   The blood running down my sinus cavities into the back of my throat just lit my fire.

I left the Academy after two years and came back to Austin.  Enter Brazilian Jiujitsu!!!  Tons of injuries, and a bunch of tournaments later I started MMA. I had a few fights but nothing big. Masochism doesn't make for a long career, especially when you are a sales exec traveling in front of customers.  :)

My training in the gym was no different.  I saw the iron two ways. The philosophical me thought, rather arrogantly:

     "There are 4 immutable laws of  the universe.  1) Strong Nuclear force.  2) Weak Nuclear force.  3) Electromagnetic force, and  4) Gravity. FUCK YOU, Gravity!!! You say this 475 pound bar wants to staple me to the ground.  I say I'm going to lift it 4 times." Again, it was all about my will.  I was arrogant enough to think my will would overcome the laws of physics, even for a moment.

Then there was the masochist:  I deserve to be punished and I'll do it with iron.  I'd literally chant my self-destructive mantra from session start to close: Fuck the  whole world and the people living in it!

In my life I've racked up more than my fair share of  injuries:  separated my right AC joint twice, left AC joint once; hyper extended my left knee; tore most of the ligaments in my left thumb; tore a ligament out of my right ankle; surgery to repair my left knee; surgery to repair a hernia; surgery to repair my smashed face bones (years of boxing and some MMA) and nose; torn right hamstring; herniated a disc in my back TWICE; temporarily lost use of my right hand from punching something inanimate.

These days, I see lifting as a chance to die to my ego; to die to my flesh.  Its a kind of baptism of iron.  And I don't mean then sacrilegiously.  I genuinely pray and offer worship through lifting.  I can do all things through Christ who strengths me.  I'd like to lift this PR, but Your will be done, not mine.  Lord, I'm going to press until You say to stop!

I used to injure myself, with varying degrees of seriousness, about once every 3 months.  I haven't had an injury since January.  Every morning I pray that my ego is cut at the root and withers and dies.  I want to be a servant to everyone I meet, because doing for all people is the only way I know to serve my Creator and Savior.  And 90 minutes a day under the iron reminds me that my flesh and my ego are weak.  No matter how strong my body gets, it is a fleeting nothing compared to my God.  If I can surrender my will over to God when I feel real weights pressing down on me, it becomes easier to surrender my will in a day to day situation.