I keep pressing on

I've been rehabbing my torn bicep for a solid 3 week now.   I still can't do any pullups or heavy rows, but my strength in the left bicep is slowly returning as the tear continues to heal. I trained for a solid 2 hours on Sunday and noticed a small divot at the base of my bicep right where it meets the tendon.

The good news is the swelling is finally down enough, and my ability to engage my bicep (flex) is finally high enough that I can see the tear. It looks a little weird, but oh well.  I'll eventually be stronger than I was before the tear.  I just have to keep adding reps, then slowly adding weight.   Nothing magical about the process.

But that brings me to my point for today.  I've done some stupid shit in my life and have a litany of injuries that my friends can't wrap their heads around.  I'm not a pro athlete, and I'd argue I'm not much of a real athlete in general.  I'm closing in on 41 and I can tell you, I don't have a stash of trophies lying around anywhere.  What I do have is drive; resolve.

I talk to acquaintances who say they stopped lifting, playing, competing, TRYING when they were such and such an age and got hurt. So many people give up on themselves the moment an injury forces them to rectify the gap between reality and their ego. It's  like  they'd rather maintain the self-delusion than put in the work to make it a reality.

My injuries inclue:

  • separated my right acromioclavicular (AC) joint twice
  • separated my my left AC joint once
  • hyper extended my left knee twice, had the meniscus repaired and a tendon removed
  • small tear in my left hamstring
  • medium tear in my right hamstring
  • tore a tendon out of my right ankle
  • broke  my right pinky
  • twice herniated a disc in my lumbar
  • got hit so hard in my jaw that I couldn't eat for 2 days; lived liquids.  It still gets 'locked' from time to time and I have to smack it back into place
  • had my nose broken 4 times maybe; enough damage that my sinus cavities in my cheecks were crushed
  • torn left bicep
  • I've lost count of stitches. I've been knocked out twice and had a couple of concussions
The thing is, I've rehabbed my way past every injury. I've BELIEVED myself out of every setback. I've been forced to burn my ego and start with baby weights and slowly build back from nothing so many times.

I'll never be anyone's hero. I'll never be famous. I'll never be as good as a real athlete. I'll never be able to turn back the clock and seize the potential that was wasted. I'll never have "glory days" like others had.  But I don't want any of that. All I want is what I have now: this fire.

I'll always savor the pain of starting from zero; taking my broken body and building beyond where it was before the setback. I'll always have a fire to overcome. I've competed in so many arenas at so many stages of my adult life, and I LOVE IT! The thrill of being in the ring, throwing a caber infront of a crowd, submitting an opponent; it's amazing. But it doesn't compare to the satisfaction of seeing the bruising from internal bleeding or seeing the scar from surgery and knowing I will master this, too. I will feel every bit of discomfort and pain, and do what I want to do anyway. I don't block out the pain, I just push right up to my structural limit and stay in that zone. I am just as motivated by seeing the progress back to respectable poundages and capability as I am by an actual victory or win.

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